The Anatomy of Domestic Violence

If we ever part, I will destroy you.  I will obliterate you from my memory.”  When we were writing this book, Emily recounted the phrase so matter of factly it was chilling.  I asked her to repeat it, sure that I had misheard her.  She told me again, word for word.  I asked again, “He said he would destroy you?” She said he had used that exact phrase so often throughout their marriage it was imprinted on her brain.  

This book is about one of my best friends, Emily.  It is her story of domestic violence. 

In NSW, according to BOCSAR:

• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 8 men have experienced violence by an intimate partner or family member since the age of 18.

• In 2024, there were 38,272 reported cases of DV assault.

• In 2024, in NSW alone, there were 39 domestic violence-related murders: 13 adult men, 16 adult women and 10 children.  The incidents included current and former intimate partners, family members, other household members, carers and ex-partner of current partner.

• 28 offenders were male, and six were female

• In the 5 years to the end of 2024, in 40% of intimate partner murders, the offender was a current partner, and in 44% the offender was a current or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

I had only briefly met the man Emily was to marry, but I was worried about him.  This evening at the pub deepened those feelings.  It is difficult to pinpoint exactly what it was about him that I reacted to. He was charming, confident and friendly.   Was it because he had insisted he and his friends come to the same pub? Was it because he seemed to be just a touch patronising towards Emily and her female friends?  Was it because he was slightly condescending towards the woman behind the bar and made a few mildly derogatory comments about some of the other women in the pub? 

Ultimately, it was the way he treated Emily that garnered my strongest reaction.  He intervened whenever she engaged in conversation with any of his male friends by leaving his conversation, coming up beside Emily and draping his arm around her.  None of it “sat right” with me.  Now, of course, I know he was exerting coercive control.  Nothing was significant or obvious enough to draw attention to, but all of it, taken together, painted a picture.

My friend Emily and I were in our early twenties when she got married.  It was a small wedding with family and a few close friends.  After the speeches, I saw her new husband standing alone near the cake table.  I went over to him and quietly said, “If you ever hurt her, you will have me to answer to”.

I don’t make a habit of threatening my friends' husbands, but there was something about him that made all of my alarm bells ring.  

If I had known then what I know now, I would have done everything in my power to stop the marriage.  As a 22-year-old psychology student, I didn’t know about domestic violence.  I didn’t know about coercive control.  I didn’t know about gaslighting.  I didn’t know about the precise and purposeful annihilation inflicted by a perpetrator upon a victim-survivor.  I didn’t know the anatomy of domestic violence.  I do now.

The significant issues that will become apparent throughout the telling of Emily’s story are not only the utter failure of every comprehensive system that is in place to protect victims of crime but also the “systems abuse” that Emily and her children experienced.  There were dozens of opportunities for professionals in protective systems to intervene, but in reality, they actively worked against Emily and her children and placed them in even more danger.  When a drug and alcohol counsellor asked Emily if there was a history of domestic violence, Emily said there was.  He asked her what she was doing to “provoke him”.  Later he told her that her problems were because she was fundamentally lazy.

As her friend and as someone who worked in the community for decades, I am utterly furious and desperate about the prevalence of domestic violence and what Emily has gone through. 

What victim-survivors need from the community and system is support, not judgment.  The question “Why doesn’t she leave?” must also be understood within the entrenched failures of a system.  The system supporting victim-survivors of domestic violence is grossly under-resourced and has been for decades.  There are, quite simply, not enough beds.  

• Emily didn’t leave because she knew she and her children would be in more danger.

• She didn’t leave because she knew that if he were to fight her for custody, he would win, and her children would be prevented from having a relationship with her.

• She didn’t leave because she was the protective parent and wanted to keep her children safe.

• She didn’t leave because she knew that if she did, the violence would escalate.

• She didn’t leave because she knew he would kill her if she did.

When you simultaneously view all of the individual elements that should have worked to support this whole family, including the perpetrator, the systemic neglect of vulnerable members of the community comes into sharp focus. Having carefully pieced together this decades-long jigsaw puzzle, my biggest surprise, quite frankly, is that Emily is still alive.

There is a quotation I heard when I was participating in the practitioner training for the Circle of Security Parenting Program.  Kent Hoffman told us the story of his former Psychology Professor, who said a sentence he has never forgotten; “Every person you will ever meet has infinite worth”.  It is his North Star, and it has become my own North Star.  

Years later, I was facilitating a training session for a parenting program my team and I developed for parents whose children have been removed into statutory care.  At the end of the two-day training, we use the above quote.  A participant quizzed us on whether this quote could possibly be true in a world where so much apparent evil exists.  She specifically had in mind perpetrators of domestic violence.  “Absolutely,” I said confidently.  No infant is born evil or “less than” anyone else.  In fact, the idea that someone is worth less than someone else is abhorrent.  

Some people have mental ill health.  Some people have endured traumatic events, traumatic childhoods, or generational trauma.  Some people have drug and alcohol addictions.  Some people have grown up in violence and now use violence themselves.  None of them are evil.  Nevertheless, it is important to note that whilst everyone has inherent value and some people have had terrible things happen to them, a person’s deplorable behaviour can never be excused.

For too long, perpetrators of violence have been viewed simply as “bad” by the general community and even some mental health and community practitioners.  As a result, they have not received the services they desperately need in order to change their behaviour.  If we are to effectively deal with this epidemic of domestic violence across the world, then we must engage with perpetrators of violence.  We must hold perpetrators to account, not by condemning and shaming them but by engaging them in a respectful conversation about their values.  Compassionately challenging them when their behaviour and values don’t match up and, when necessary, utilising the legal system to impose proportionate consequences.

Historically, the majority of government funding has been directed almost solely towards supporting victim-survivors.  It has never been remotely adequate to address the scale of the problem.  However, it is further limited in effectiveness by the failure to address the issues related to perpetrators of violence.  If we don’t deal with the source of the problem, we could spend trillions of dollars on domestic violence with no impact whatsoever.

In the book, I give an account of a time I supported someone to report the breach of an AVO.  It came via a text message to a third party.  The officer we spoke to said if we couldn’t provide him with the evidence directly he couldn't do anything about it.  I told him it was on the phone of the third party and the perpetrator and perhaps he should go and ask to see it.  He didn’t follow up.

When, despite extensive training, police officers who come into contact with domestic violence every day cannot understand veiled threats of violence and do not respond appropriately; when they cannot effectively assess victims and perpetrators; when members of the public have to coach them in how to do their job - it is no wonder rates of domestic violence are through the roof.

When the health, education, criminal and legal systems use racial, cultural identity and gender stereotypes as their yardstick for intervention, refugees, migrants, LGBTQI and First Nations peoples will continue to be marginalised and oppressed.

When practitioners working with the community are not trained in effective, evidence-based domestic violence responses, victim-survivors and perpetrators alike will not be supported.

When officers of the family court consistently make orders that put victim-survivors of domestic violence in even more danger, women and children will continue to be murdered.

When judges in the criminal court make orders that are wholly inadequate, despite concrete and proven evidence of a pattern of violent behaviour over the years, the community will never be safe.

When women are falsely diagnosed as having a psychiatric disorder, or being hysterical, or are accused of parental alienation because they have endured decades of abuse and have finally said enough or because they have been labelled as having failed to protect their children who have been removed, the blame and responsibility for domestic violence will continue to sit with victim-survivors and perpetrators will never be held to account.

When governments over decades do not invest in perpetrator-primary prevention programs, domestic violence will never end.

When children and adolescents are disregarded as primary victim-survivors of domestic violence and don’t receive support, then their mental health will be significantly impacted.

When boys and men who use violence are shamed and not supported, then their use of violence will escalate.

When individuals in government perpetrate abuse and are not held to account, perpetrators are effectively given a free pass to continue to use violence.

When faith leaders continue to uphold the myth that “men are the head of the house”, that women should submit to men and that women cannot be faith leaders, women will continue to be gaslit, be unsafe within their spiritual communities and be in danger at home.

When the tabloid media continue to report domestic violence as a one-off incident, the community will never learn about the nuanced and insidious pattern of coercive control.

When the epidemic of easily accessible violent pornography remains unchecked, boys and girls will have a completely false narrative of what a loving relationship and consensual sex actually are.

When children have unfettered access to dangerous content online, their worlds will continue to be shattered.

When adults allow children and teenagers to use misogynistic/misandrist or abusive or disrespectful language and when schools and parents do not encourage critical thinking or challenge offensive behaviours, children will grow up to be disrespectful and abusive adults.

When parents protect their children when they have been disrespectful, violent or abusive and bully teachers or others who are trying to hold children accountable, they are part of the problem.

When schools do not address bullying and do not actively engage in open and reparative justice between children, children grow up into adults who perpetrate abuse.

When fathers and men adhere to stereotypical gender roles and when mothers and women don’t call out the disrespectful behaviour of children and adolescents, they are perpetuating the problem.

When babies, toddlers and young children are conditioned to behave like “little girls” and “little boys”, we will perpetuate the gender stereotypes that underpin domestic violence.

When the community says “Boys will be boys” or passes comments on what girls are wearing and says they were “asking for it”, girls and women will continue to be sexually assaulted.

When boys and men do not understand that unless it is an enthusiastic yes, rape will continue to occur.

When child sexual abuse is misreported as an “underage sexual relationship”, then children will continue to be sexually abused.

When women don’t have gender parity in their salaries, women will continue to be seen as “less than”.

When women are not recruited into drug trials because their bodies are seen as “too complicated” and will “skew the data”, women will continue to lack access to effective drugs and treatments.

When women are dismissed and disbelieved by the medical profession, the medical care of women will be inadequate.

When boys, men, girls and women make false accusations of abuse and are not held to account, victim-survivors are less likely to be believed.

When men refuse to access counselling or other support services because they have been conditioned to believe that “men are strong” or they should “man up”, we will continue to have a crisis of male violence, mental ill health and suicide.

When childhood and generational trauma is not recognised, funded and integrated as a whole of society response, we will continue to create perpetrators and victim-survivors of violence.

When people with disabilities are not adequately cared for, supported, and given a voice and autonomy, they will continue to be vulnerable and prey for abusers.

When governments continue to not adequately recognise, fund and support victims of institutionalised abuse, whether it be the stolen generation or those who have been in any kind of residential “care”, we will continue to “create” perpetrators and victims of violence.

When the government itself perpetuates gender stereotypes and does not have equal representation of men and women, women will continue to be diminished.

The list of issues that contribute to domestic violence is endless.  The only way that domestic violence will be effectively curtailed is when the whole of society, in unison, shouts, “Enough is enough”.  

When our entire community commits to understanding the anatomy of domestic violence, to working collaboratively, to having uncomfortable conversations, to holding people to account and to tearing down the walls of shame, then maybe, just maybe, we might be able to end domestic violence.

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