Loving Kids Loud Part One - Pornography

I hadn’t planned on writing a series on kids and parenting but there are so many conversations going on about the world of children right now, I thought I’d put my parenting and child development hat on and create a series about raising teenagers.  My last blog post was about supporting our children through the scary chaos of what’s currently happening in the world.  The next three blogs will be about our adolescents and a few of the major issues that our big kids are navigating: pornography, the “manosphere” and respectful relationships.  These are complex issues and can in no way be fully covered in a short series of blog posts but I hope they are a way-finder for support and ongoing conversations.  Although I refer to parents, the information equally applies to teachers, carers and any adult that regularly spends time with teenagers.

Let’s start with a whistle stop tour of the adolescent brain before we jump into talking about our first topic, pornography.  It’s important we start here so that parents understand that I’m talking from an evidence base of neuroscience and not making wishy washy unfounded statements.

What happens during adolescence is that the brain re-wires itself; the wonderful neuroscience educator Nathan Wallis describes it as the brain being “closed for renovation” for about three years.  What’s happening is that the brain is making room for new neuronal pathways by pruning away the old pathways that it doesn’t need anymore.  The other big takeaway about the brains of children and adolescents is that the pre-frontal cortex which is the higher order thinking part of the brain isn’t fully developed until somewhere between the ages of 18-25 for females and 25-32 for males.  

The irony is that at a time when we expect our kids to finally be able to think logically, rationally or even vaguely sensibly, they are developmentally pre-disposed to take risks.  Not only that, their brains are least likely to be able to accurately assess the risk and respond to the situation quickly because of the re-wiring that’s happening.  It’s almost like having a toddler again, except the risks are bigger and scarier.  To understand more about the development of the adolescent brain, I thoroughly recommend Dan Siegel’s book Brainstorm, although all of his books are excellent.  Despite the neuroscience content, he makes them very accessible and easy to read.

So let’s get into it.  The first thing I’m going to say is that whilst we (parents and children alike) would rather go to the dentist than talk about sex, drugs and rock and roll with each other, our children need us to face it head on, respectfully and without any kind of bumbling around.  Given this, if parents feel uncomfortable or aren’t sure about what they should say, I would always advise them to have a dry run with each other or a close friend before launching into a conversation with their teenager.

A couple of years ago, I heard a true story about year 7 boys airdropping pornographic photos and links into each other’s phones during class.  This is a perfect example of why I have been highly vocal about schools not allowing phones on school grounds, or at the very least having them locked away during school hours.  I cannot even imagine how a teacher presenting a lesson on geography or maths can compete with a phone and the magic kingdom it is the key to.

On another occasion, I overheard a couple of primary school boys talking about watching the “porn show” on television.  I felt slightly queasy as I curiously intervened; “porn show?” “Yes, the porn show”, they enthusiastically responded.  Wondering how on earth I was going to tackle this with boys who were not my own, I repeated “the porn show?”  “Yes, you know the show on tv where someone takes something into the shop and they work out what it’s worth and give them money for it”.  A slow dawning descended upon me… “ohhhh, the pawn shop show”.  “Yes” they said, obviously thinking I was slightly bonkers whilst they loudly rolled their eyes, having no idea about the other spelling of the word.

What I’m talking about is the importance of not leaping in with all guns blazing when (yes when, not if) you find out your children (boys or girls) have been consuming porn.  Of course, the better response is to talk to children before they even get a gander of it.  There is a plethora of research about children’s access to pornography and pretty much all of them say that children have usually seen pornography either deliberately or accidentally by the time they are 13.  That means the conversations need to happen when children are in Years 5 or 6.  The E-safety commission has a lot of great resources for parents on a variety of topics including pornography.

What we could do is just say to children pornography is bad, don’t watch it.  What we all know though is that’s just going to make our kids even more interested in this forbidden activity.  A much more helpful way to tackle the subject, and a much more helpful way to engage with children in all instances, is to create an opportunity for critical thinking.  If children have already watched porn, a good way to start is by asking them how it felt watching it.  Then listen really carefully to what they tell you.  Most younger children will probably say it made them feel uncomfortable but whatever the response, open the conversation up by asking them what it was about it that made them feel however they felt.  Try not to use the word why.  Why can indicate a level of judgement, whereas what…, suggests curiosity and opens the conversation up.

Ask children what they think pornography is and how it works.  Don’t assume, irrespective of what your children might say, that they understand, even if they say they do. Once you’re clearer about your child’s understanding, it’s time to get down to brass tacks.  Children need to know that pornography may not be between consenting adults.  It’s not just making a movie for fun, because they want to, or because they make good money.  Pornography is often related to people trafficking and yes, you’re going to have to explain people trafficking and modern slavery.  Pornography is also connected to really big business where the “actors” might make a bit of money but the squillions of dollars go to the business owners; giant corporations who often have some highly questionable business practices.  Don’t be afraid to ask your children if they want their actual money or by default through their clicks linked to advertising revenue, to go to huge companies who are exploiting people.  Ask them how they would feel if they knew they were contributing to human trafficking, which usually goes hand in hand with forced prostitution and illegal drug supply.  

These conversations are going to help your children in a myriad of ways as they move through their lives.  We have a deficit in children and adults alike who can think critically.  It’s why we see so much black and white thinking, keyboard warriors and people taking offence at the drop of a hat.  If we’ve never been taught how to think critically how can we build a compassionate and kind society?  Thinking critically means we can take a step back and question ourselves, question the situation and see problems from different perspectives.  These are lessons for life and we need to start teaching them when our kids are young.

The next place to go is a discussion about sex.  If it hasn’t already, this is the point where everyone; adults and children alike, have an overwhelming desire to run screaming from the room with their hands over their ears.  I urge you not to, your children need you to commit to the conversation, even if they complain loudly.  I don’t know about you but I wanted my kids to learn about sex from me, not the internet and certainly not from pornography.  It is incredibly important to explain to children that pornography is not real life.  Just like Star Wars isn’t.  Pornography is acting.  Unless your children have been watching secretly-videod abuse, there are often others in the room; at the very minimum filming but also potentially directing and choreographing the whole encounter.  This is about two people who usually don’t know each other and are engaging in sexual acts purely for other people’s “enjoyment”.  

It’s also important that kids know that this is not how sex in the real world happens, particularly if the pornography they have been consuming is graphic, rough, disrespectful or involves inexplicably acrobatic feats.  Irrespective of the “type” of porn, the videos are highly edited and completely unrealistic.  One of the concerning issues to have evolved in the last few years is the issue of choking and of demeaning the other person.  Young people need to know that this is a depiction of violence and is dangerous.  It’s also an illustration of power and control, neither of which should be present in a respectful, kind and loving relationship.  This is true for heterosexual sex, same-sex couples and situations where multiple people are involved. 

Sex should be about respect and each person having equal power and equal enjoyment.  Children need to know that sex is a good thing and not something to be ashamed of.  It’s essential however, that they only have sex when they feel ready, not because they feel pressured.  Even if they think they’re ready but then decide they’re not, that’s ok.  What we want young people to know is that if something is happening or has happened that has been distressing or made them feel uncomfortable, they can come and talk to you about it, confident that you will be supportive not judgemental.  I’ll talk about consent in the next couple of blogs.

One of the things I’m sure you’ve heard just as much as me, is that there is a generalised expectation amongst young people that the opposite, or same gender as relevant, should be “hot and sexy”.  The pressure to meet an arbitrary level of attractiveness is significant.  The conversation around this of course relates to body image and respect which I’ll be talking about more in the following couple of blogs.  However it’s a good opportunity to point out that the “actors” involved in pornography are not a true depiction of the way the majority of people in the world look or behave.

Fundamentally, what’s really important is that children feel that they can talk to their parents about anything.  I have always made it clear to the teenagers who have been in my world; either professionally, kids of friends or my own, that no conversation is off limits.  Believe me, I have had many conversations where I have wished certain topics were off limits, but I have always engaged in the conversation aware that if a child is raising an issue with me it’s because they trust me and they need my help or perspective. I can’t count the number of times a child has said to me, “I can’t talk to my parents about this”.  Not because their parents are monsters, simply because they haven’t paved the way for difficult conversations and the children aren’t sure what the reaction will be; whether they will be understood and supported, or dismissed or disapproved of.  

Parenting teenagers means preparing them for adulthood.  It absolutely takes a village to raise a child and often, during adolescence, other adults will be the trusted “go to” person.  As a parent, what you can do is make sure you are open and supportive of your children, but also that you have purposefully ensured there are adults available who you trust to speak wisdom to your teenagers when they don’t want to come to you.  Most important is that you have no expectation that the other trusted adult will divulge to you the contents of the conversation unless the child and adult have agreed together that you can be informed.  Of course, part of the conversation between the other adult and the child should involve, if appropriate, a discussion regarding the child telling their parents about whatever is troubling them.  The way I have dealt with this, is to say to the parents that I’ve had a conversation with their child and reassure them that their child is ok.  There is one caveat to this and that is safety.  If the other adult is concerned about the safety of a child or young person, safety always comes first and always trumps confidentiality.

Being an adult involves being able to make good decisions.  The parenting role evolves into one more like a coach for an adolescent.  A good coach sets expectations, allows team members to make mistakes, following through with consequences rather than punishments if necessary and discusses how things can be done differently next time.  How can adults make good decisions if they’ve never been coached to think critically as a child?

Next week I’ll be talking about the “manosphere”.  I hope you found this post helpful and as always, share away so that other parents/people might gain some insights.

Take Care

Angharad