But I’m Just One Person

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed individuals can change the world. In fact, it's the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead

There’s a lot of debate about the anthropologist Margaret Mead and some people say her premis in the above quote is entirely wrong.  That’s totally ok, differences of opinion are what helps us grow and learn.  For me though, it has always been a beacon.  A reminder that actually, even though I’m just one person and you’re just one person, if there are enough individual people, we can change the world, or at the very least we can change our world, our own circle of influence.  If enough individuals commit to changing their own circles of influence then the world will change, it can’t not.

I think we all need to hold onto that concept when we look at what has been happening globally for what seems like forever.  More specifically what has been happening in the last couple of weeks.

This is going to be a challenging post and I am asking something serious of you.  Every single woman needs you to read this through to the end, no matter how uncomfortable you feel.  I need you to read this through to the end, not skim it, not have a quick look.  Read it.  Properly read it. This is too important for you not to.

I am white hot with rage at the moment.  Rage because according to Destroy the Joint’s Counting Dead Women site, 63 women have been violently murdered in Australia, as of the 13th November 2024.  We’ve still got 7 weeks to go this year and I am confident the numbers will go up because Christmas is historically an extremely unsafe time for victim survivors of Domestic and Family Violence.  In 2023, 64 women were murdered.  

According to Sherele Moody from Australian Femicide Watch who tracks all Australian women killed by violence within and outside of Australia, 81 women have been murdered so far this year.  It just keeps getting worse.  According to SBS Australia; in the last 16 days alone, 11 women have been murdered.

I wrote a post on my social media page on the 28th August this year, following yet another murder of yet another woman; 

“It’s not even the end of August and 56 women have already been murdered this year in Australia.  47 Australian armed service personnel died in Afghanistan and zero died in Iraq.  Apparently it’s safer to be an Australian soldier in a war zone than it is to be a woman in Australia in 2024”.

According to the ABC, In the 24 hours following the US election, on the social media platform X, there was a 4,600% increase in the two phrases “your body, my choice” and “get back in the kitchen”.  No, that was not a typo - a 4,600% increase in vile misogynistic hate speak.  Is it any wonder that women are being murdered at a rate of knots?

So what does this have to do with Margaret Mead, I hear you ask.  Well, as you will know by now, I am a storyteller at heart.  I am also a social justice warrior.  I have a voice and I will use it so let me tell you a story.  A story about me and about social justice and how the actions of one young “thoughtful and committed” 25 year old intern psychologist can profoundly impact the world - well at least NSW.  And if I can do it, so can you.  So settle in with your cup of tea or coffee and yes there is a point, there’s always a point.

One of my early career positions was as an Adoption Practitioner.  There are many conflicting views about adoption and I don’t intend to debate them here.  This story isn’t about that.  There I was, a 25 year old, early career, intern psychologist working in arguably the most legally and ethically complex area of community work you could come across.  

The first woman I worked with had been raped and her pregnancy was as a result of this assault.  I won’t tell you anything else because that would be a complete breach of her privacy and, quite frankly, it’s nobody’s business.  I’m just providing the context.  

Adoption law at the time in NSW was covered by the 1965 Adoption of Children Act.  This was the early 1990s so society had changed a lot in those 30 or so years but of course the legislation hadn’t kept up.  According to the law and general practice, parents who were placing their child for adoption could, and typically would, consent to the adoption of their child, on the 5th day following the birth of the child.  They could of course revoke that consent within 30 days and make a different parenting plan for their child.  Whilst this sounds awful, well let’s face it, it was awful, there was a reason.  It was to try and ensure that infants were able to attach and bond as early as possible with the people who would become their permanent, legal parents.  And remember, the legislation we were working with, was enacted in 1965 but it was still fraught.

Let me digress for one moment to address language. Children are not, as commonly referred, ‘given up’, or ‘given away’ for adoption.  A thoughtful, painful and considered plan is made.  Children are also not ‘relinquished for adoption’.  How can you relinquish a child?  It’s offensive.  Parenting responsibilities however can be relinquished.  So, if you have ever found yourself saying given up or relinquished, please change your language.  Children are placed for adoption.  Words matter.

Anyway, back to the story.  Having supported this woman through her pregnancy and the absolute anguish and trauma that she had experienced.  I thought to myself, “There’s no way she can be ready to sign a consent on the 5th day and I can’t ethically ask her to do that”.  What to do?  What I did was go to my manager and explain, naively, why I thought we needed to do things differently.  I talked about the ethics for social workers and psychologists to expect any parent, but particularly a woman who has just given birth, to sign a legal document severing their parental rights, 5 days later.  Especially when there has been a rape.  

Fortunately, my manager agreed.  This was the first time my Agency - or any Adoption Service Provider working with the parents of healthy infants - had organised for an infant without any medical condition or disability, to be placed with approved temporary foster carers.  This decision allowed the parent more time and space to consider her parenting options.

What happened following this is what counts.  From that point on, every single parent who was exploring the placement of their child for adoption was given the time and space they needed to have counselling and fully consider the permanent decision regarding the ongoing care of their child.  The infants were placed in safe and caring temporary foster care placements.  The parents were allowed to have whatever contact they wanted with their child until they either made an alternate parenting plan or signed an adoption consent.  Just for the record, far more parents choose not to go ahead with an adoption plan than those who do.

Fast forward to 2000.  I was, by then, the Principal Officer of the Agency and the NSW Parliament had been working on new Adoption Legislation for a number of years.  Adoption Stakeholders were invited, by the Parliament, to be involved in the drafting of the new legislation.  I was fully engaged in this process and also led the committee which drafted the new Adoption Standards.  

What did the new legislation say?  That parents cannot sign a consent for adoption for at least 30 days following the birth of their child and must receive adoption counselling and mandatory information.  Of course their rights to revoke their consent remained.

That legislation change wasn’t just because a naive 25 year old intern psychologist demanded it.  A lot of people pushed for it.  But I lit the candle in the agency I worked for.  I asked, “why not?” That prompted a whole lot of other practitioners to ask why not.  All it took was a “…small group of thoughtful committed individuals”  to change NSW Adoption Legislation and practice forever.

What has that got to do with Domestic Violence in 2024?  The atrocious rate of women being murdered by their current or former intimate partner will not change until every single person decides to light a candle in their circle of influence.  

The Australian government has committed billions of dollars in funding to attack the combined national shame of Domestic Violence.  Money is good.  For too long there hasn’t been nearly enough funding.  Money isn’t enough though.

My challenge to everyone who reads this blog is to do three things:

• Share this blog post and all of the other DV related content you come across on your social media pages, in emails, text messages, WhatsApp, whatever.  Add your own comments, thoughts, shock and horror at the devastating situation we are in. And then post in the comments that you’ve done it and tag me.  I mean it, we all need to be accountable and I am going to do it too.

• Stop conversations that demean women.  Call it out.  Don’t be embarrassed, don’t think it’s none of your business.  It IS your business, it’s everybody’s business.  Politely, respectfully, calmly point out the problem with the statement or joke that has been made.

• And this is the gendered point.  Most of the people who interact with me are women.  I’m a woman, most of my friends are women.  Domestic Violence is NOT a women’s issue.  It’s a men’s issue but women are the ones doing the majority of the talking.  So to my female friends and followers I ask you to forward this blog and any other DV related content to ALL your male friends, colleagues, fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, grandfathers, faith leaders, employers, your gym instructor, coach.  Tag them specifically in your posts about DV.  To the men, I ask you to read them and re-post them with your own comments.  Start conversations with your male friends.  And then tag me and/or your female friends and tell them that you’ve done it.

My male friends are appalled at Domestic and Family Violence, just as my female friends are but often don’t actually know what to do.  So this is it.  I’m telling you, because I know from experience, that one little conversation you have will light a candle, which will ignite a fire and before long “a small group of thoughtful committed individuals can change the world”.  It has to, we can’t keep going this way.

Angharad

13th November 2024