Bitterness or Gratitude?

In March 2006 I started a new job.  On the second day into the role I was asked to go to a meeting with a group of practitioners from three other agencies.  I had absolutely no idea what I was walking into nor did I have any idea that day would be the beginning of one of the most rewarding projects I have ever worked on.

The meeting had been organised by the respective CEOs of the agencies. I just turned up at the required time with my diary and a pen in hand.  This multidisciplinary group had been pulled together to try and find a solution to the complexities of supporting separated families who were “in” the Family Court due to entrenched conflict.  I literally had no idea what I was doing however it was one of those situations where everyone takes a step backwards and the person left out front is the one who didn’t step backwards fast enough.  That was me.

We boldly decided that what we needed to do was develop a post separation parenting program.  In my ‘second day in the job’ bewilderment, everyone volunteered for various tasks, I was left gaping like the proverbial goldfish so I was tasked with the actual writing of the course.  That single meeting turned into one of the highlights of my three decade career in the community services sector.  In the end, that initial large group of practitioners was whittled down to four of us.  Equally passionate and equally, but differently, experienced and skilled. 

The experience of working in such a collaborative environment cannot be underestimated.  We listened to each other, our different experiences and skills coming into play at different times.  We enjoyed creating something out of nothing and of pulling the research together to make sure we were on track.  Most of all though, we had complete respect and trust in each other. 

We developed a program called Keeping Kids in Mind.  It is a five week course for separated parents involved in entrenched conflict.  Our main aim was to not decrease the conflict but to support parents to develop or increase their parental reflective functioning so that they could focus on the needs of the children through a, usually, tumultuous separation.  The course was externally evaluated by a very well regarded team at an equally well regarded university.  

No one was more shocked by the results of the evaluation than the four of us.  It was absolutely clear that this program was not only effective but the positive impact it was having was astonishing. As the analysis of the evaluation was presented, we got goosebumps and we all became a little misty eyed that we had done such a good job.  Most importantly though, we were thankful that our clients were positively impacted, which of course means their children were positively impacted too.  

Fast forward 17 years and gradually as we each moved in our careers I was the last of the original team championing the work, although others of course have joined.  Thousands of parents have been through the program and hundreds of practitioners have been trained across Australia to facilitate the course.  The course itself has been internationally recognised and it’s still going strong today.

I have been retired from permanent work for just over a year due to the dual impacts of MS and Psoriatic Arthritis.  I am loving “retirement” which of course isn’t really retirement because my first book has just been published, I am researching and starting to write book number two and book number three is starting to take shape in the back of my brain.

This week the program has just been re-launched with a refreshed new look; the last thing I worked on prior to my retirement.  As I saw the photos from the launch I felt a multitude of emotions.  Pride in the program we had developed, affection for the colleagues I worked alongside for so long, joy that the program is so successful.  Along with these emotions however I also felt envious because I wasn’t there, sadness because I wasn’t there, disappointment because I wasn’t there.

As we swim through life, there are so many times when our emotions come along and, out of the blue, crash over us.  At these times, we have a choice.  We can go under or we can surf the wave.  

We can choose bitterness or we can choose gratitude.  Every time, I try to choose gratitude.  I’m no Pollyanna; sometimes I choose gratitude through gritted teeth but I endeavour to choose it well.  

What I try to do is name the emotions I’m experiencing and understand where they come from.  A good way to do this is to ask yourself, “What in me is reacting to this situation?” Once you can pinpoint this, you can choose how you are going to respond.  Note the different words: react and respond.  My body and emotions react to something but my brain helps me to respond  well.  

My response to the celebration of my colleagues is to choose to celebrate with them in spirit.  It is to remind myself that I did a job so well that it will carry on long after me.  I have left a legacy.  And then it is to remind myself that I can only be with my colleagues in spirit because I am currently on the other side of the world launching my first solo book.  I created something in the past but I have created something new in the present and I will create something else in the future.  

Each time we are presented with a challenge, when our emotions flow over us and we choose to respond with gratitude rather than bitterness we are building resilience. When we focus on developing our personal resilience it means we are more able to support someone else to build their own resilience.  At a time when anxiety and depression are at epidemic proportions across the world, every one of us needs to actively focus on building resilience.  We can make a difference; one person at a time. We have to; our children, the next generation, need us to.

Angharad Candlin 

September 2024